Something occurred to me late last night(warning: whining ahead)
You really can’t go home again. Well, it didn’t occur to me being that its been present for some time and actually was the subject of a very long conversation with a good friend of mine. Let’s say, rather, it hit the heart a little harder than it had in the past. I can’t remember the last time this place felt like home. I don’t know if it’s this house, this city, this state, but I haven’t felt like I’ve been at 100 percent in years. It’s like a nuclear half life, I feel like I keep chipping down more and more. Last night I took stock of things, if I wasn’t in school, I really couldn’t imagine a good proper reason to stay here. Not to say that I don’t have people here that I love, and that love me in return. Far from that in fact. That said, none of them keep me here in the sense that I don’t have anything that makes me feel anchored.
That wasn’t meant to be a shitty pun, but it is kind of fitting given what I just did before I typed this. I need a change, a drastic one. I think my half life analogy is proper, cause I feel like this place can’t destroy me out right, but given enough time it will eventually whittle me down to next to nothing. I was job hunting and putting my resume out. On a whim. I put in an application to work in a shipyard…in Virginia. Something that I’m pretty sure if i had to group the responses of my friends would result in about 90% either a)The fuck do you wanna do that for or b)The fuck? You can’t leave me/us. Maybe it’d be a good change up before I go ahead and get my Graduate degree or P.E. Maybe something like this will do me well, give me more direction. Go work on an oil rig for a few years, weld barges and submarines, go on a damned crabbing boat and play Deadliest Catch for a few. I really don’t know, but after some thought I feel like I want/need something to that effect. It might take a while, it’ll need some hunting cause I’m fine with the tools but don’t have the experience a lot of the jobs prefer. But for every resume I send to a factory or design firm, Ive been looking for one in Anchorage, Norfolk, and what have you. Guess we’ll wait and see.