I wish I weren’t so stubborn. I wish I weren’t so difficult, and more so difficult to love.
And then I remember, fuck you.
You need a strong personality and some damn conviction to deal with me. It’s not about whether I wouldn’t accept anything less. I’m fine with cracks in the armor. God knows I’ve got thousands. Imperfection and weakness are not the same thing. Imperfection is knowing your flaws, acknowledging them, and knowing you need to ask help or help your damned self. Even if it means accepting them as another weight, but never a crutch or an excuse. Weakness is letting it overtake you contrary to all the hands trying to pull you from the pit, and worse still trying to chastise someone else for letting you fall. Cutting of your nose to spite your face. All my friends are imperfect in some way, which is why I love em and why they love me. Embrace it, but don’t ask me to be something I’m not. Not then, not now, not ever.
“You can’t be mad at something for acting according to it’s nature.” Isn’t that what I always said. Well there’s my nature. I’m hard-nosed, I’m difficult, I’m stubborn, I’m too smart for my own good half the time, and too damned stupid for it the rest. I can be an ass, and an asshole. But lord knows that beyond that, I’ll love you more than I love myself if you can look me in the eyes and just embrace/enjoy what I am. I’m the best friend you’ll ever have. I’m the absolute worst enemy you can ever make…but the one thing you never want to become to me…is nothing.
It’s just how I was saying…simple chemistry. We take pure and very active elements, like hydrogen and oxygen..we mix it up…then… fuckin BAM! We get water, the most still and unmoving,yet fluid thing ever. They say some compounds are very stable because they are the end product of a very violent chemical reaction, so you’d need a much stronger reaction to split them apart.
Now that doesn’t mean that it has to start violently to go well together. There’s a lot of reactions which are going slower, on the long term. No explosion, no fire…just time and silence…
Profound drunken ramblings on past relationships. Chemistry as explained through chemistry.
Edit: Reposted for a friend who couldn’t find it
To open, one point has to be made leading into this. I am a magician with words. A major point that I try and keep out is that anything you ask me or what to know, I will always answer honestly. I do, however, have this super power that irks the unholy hell out of most of my friends: I can tell you about myself for 5 minutes, speak entire truth, and still let you know absolutely nothing. It’s a combination of a bad habit and a defense mechanism. Grow up with a lawyer,mix in a few trust issues, you learn how to swing your statements like that.
Last night, I was at the bar with 3 friends: One, and old friend who just moved back into town, one an old flame, and one a long time buddy who bar tended at one of my haunts. I bobbed my way around a question and got called on using that little super power of mine. The deal, as made broke down as such: As long as someone keeps a form of whiskey in front of me, I would answer or explain anything they asked me to(within personal reason and boundaries) without and dodges or reroutes. After the break is some major points from last nights long conversation. It’s mostly my version of putting pen to paper. Someone may read it and get a little insight to themselves, someone may get some insight to me. Mostly it’s so I can export it. Rant follows…
I slept like 2 hours last night. Spent the entire night having a kind’ve mentally exhausting talk with an old returned friend. Most people’s bodies would say ‘go ahead and sleep in today, it’s break,no class no work.’ My body screams ‘get up, run in the rain, wrap your hands and go hit some shit! AH!’ The hell is wrong with me man?
I will paraphrase, and correct a few minor points as is necessary, but it went a lil something like this:
I am an affectionate person. Very much so given what is generally a pretty rough demeanor. I’m also infamously protective of my friends, especially females. If you’re allowed to breach the personal bubble, do it all you want. I dont care if you hold my arm, lean on me, whatever. Depending on who you are Ill probably have my arms around you. It isn”t always a romantic connotation albeit some people get special treatment. And lets face it, some people are just more comfy than others.
However, I hate, hate hate, when people hold my hand. Part of it is honestly because it’s not about breaching the personal bubble but it’s one of those girlfriend things to me. Don’t make me drop the Chowder line, I’ll do it. More than anything it’s a ocd kind of thing. Not like germaphobe, but I don’t like my hands restricted. There’s a reason they’re always moving, playing with a pen,playing with my knife something. I like having them free for protective and personal reasons.
That said, do not take it personally if i refuse to hold your goddamn hand. I just don’t do it…jesus
I’m sorry you woke up, especially if my laughing did it. I, however, WILL NOT be having the “Brodi’s sleeping pattern ” speech again. Not trying to be a jerk, but for the love of fucking glob, I’m gonna need you off this issue. I sleep fine
with most people , I just don’t sleep proper hours. If this were my hint, you would be at home in your own bed. Now I’m going to watch the rest of Natural Born Killers.
This has been a 5am rant, enjoy
Part of this may be a little sappy. y’all been warned.
Just a little point of interest. So anyone who knows me knows I have a strong personality. It manifests in different ways. Sometimes it’s intimidation, sometimes it pure presence, sometimes it’s dominance, and sometimes it’s straight up bullheadedness. Point is that occassionally it can be off putting. I’m fine with that, I’m usually a grump and I look the part often. Lol.
Anyone who knows me knows that physically I have literally no “type” However, personality wise, I tend to attract and be attracted to a certain personality. The point of this basically breaks that I’m basically a dom, and I like women who are a little sub, but with fight in em I guess. Basically, i don’t mind working for my meal. I enjoy it. Someone who challenges me or puts up a fight.
To cut it short: I met a girl monday. Today, she pretty much said I’m coming out with her tonight. I laughed and she made a pretty convincing argument. I’ve got her dead to rights, but she stepped up and made the play. Respect. Plus hotness points to boot.
Guess Brodi’s got a date tonight. :p
Maybe the better word is reminded. Read on after the break if you wanna see the long version. Short version: the mopey, defeated person I have been since fall is not me. Before I was irritated with myself. Now, I’m starting to downright hate myself. Someone made me realize it’s time for a return to form, and I know the first two points on the check list.And this isn’t some “yay, from now on I’m gonna think positive” message. This is more the “be warned, I’m gonna start tearing some shit up” warning (and right now I need you all to imagine a devious look on my face and me wringing my hands together…go on.. imagine it)
So since I only have one class, which is primarily pointless and which my professor will mostly drone and prattle through, I’m skipping out on class. Since I’m up anyway, here’s a pre-breakfast rambling for ya.
It’s been a long few days. Afew more to come. Its taking bites out of me again. I miss Atlanta. A night like this, me FK and Shiva would go out to the Roxy and get blitzed and I’d feel better in an instant. Didn’t matter that some jerk hit my car cause I didn’t drive in that city. And I miss my best friends man. I miss Shiva even more cause recent events have me thinkin of her. I’m bording on that whining that makes me wanna smack myself but its true. I think I just felt more at place/peace when I lived there.
Anywho, had 1.5 of the 4 big talks I need to have today, the others may follow soon and Ill get shit sorted. Too tired to start another. I have exactly enough energy to change clothes, call Sarah back, and open this beer. Tomorrow at sunrise, Im gonna go to the gym and see how many knuckles I split before I feel better :)
And I really don’t like the implications of it…
Show of hands?
I was picking up my food and talking to my friends(the cook and one of the server) and said “That’s so queer” in reference to something on TV and some dumb sorority bitch tried to pick the pc fight with me. “you shouldn’t say that!” Why the hell not, I, an engineering major, shouldnt use a word in its non-derogatory and literal definition to describe an awkward car design because your vocabulary is stunted? Get the fuck outta my face you bint. I took the liberty of explaining, the word bint IS in fact derogatory term for a stupid girl(because I’m just courteous enough not to call you a dumb fucking c*nt in good company) Now let me enjoy my cheese fries, go drink your goddamn Miller Lite.
Rant over, and those cheese fries were fucking delicious
So I just spent a solid 24 hours and change of hell in Cinci. Decided to stop in Columbus and party with soem OSU friends since I didn’t feel like driving and I wanted to run my liver through another(technically continuing) round of drunken antics. The following is a snippet from one of those drunken philosophical conversations after a 4 am UDF Milkshake run. Its also proff why I shouldn’t muse after a bottle and a half of Jack Daniels. Anyways, my friend made a comment that basically said “God was cruel” This lead into two branches: The gods vs God(with a capitol ‘G’ and the nature of power. The following is a slightly bitter, maybe minorly introspective explanation of both. Warning..I was/ am drunk at grumpy at the time of this thoughts inception and at its transfer to my laptop at 5 or 6 ish am.